It is sun walking time again. Sun walking time is when it is too chilly to walk in the shade. Shade walking time is when the sun is oppressive and even the slightly darker areas from street signs and lamp posts give welcome relief. While the sun has stopped bludgeoning us about the forehead and shoulders time has become a force resting heavily upon my just healed sunburns. The turning seasons, and start of school has reminded me again that I am getting older and the death of a friend on Sunday has made me wary of the metaphoric dark patches on the sidewalks and streets.
I am a little afraid of the real shady patches as well. On Friday morning, before the sun was up, when the city was all in shadow, I hit a pedestrian wearing all black who had walked into the middle of the street. He is relatively fine, a swollen foot and I assume quite a bit of pain, but otherwise unscathed. Wearing all black is something one is taught not to do when there isn't daylight, and I have had a very visceral reminder why.
Despite being superstitious, I do not think the universe is telling me to "walk in the light" or any other heavy handed, cliched drivel, but the anxiety in my chest is a reminder of my fears. I fear the regret of lost opportunities, and I afraid of how easy it is to close oneself off from the pains and rigors of life.
I am reading a silly book that seems to have been written to tap into all that money that is pouring into what Jasper Fforde (look him up, he is awesome) the "Urban Vampire Market." It was an accident, I thought it was going to be about witches in the sense that Thornyhold by Mary Stewart is about witches. Stewart's book is about a regular girl who inherits Thornyhold and the witchcraft that comes with it, but it is just herbs and dreams, nothing truly fantastic. (Other than the book, which is a wonderful book and makes me feel better about loneliness.) This book falls into the "Fantasy" genre, and while I love genre, sometimes it is just silly. Especially when there are vampires and secret fantastical creature policing agencies and conspiracies and stuff. It is really silly, and not very inventive. It is pretty much a better structured Twilight with a lot of the same abilities and plot points, just spread around a little differently. Oh, and there is time travel.
So here we are again, talking about time. I am worried about how I pass my time, which is to say, how I spend my life. So much of my time is taken up with work, which I must do to live. I do have to earn a living. Then I feel like the next largest portion is taken up with chores. Cleaning, food shopping, and endless amounts of laundry. I have been dealing with a bed bug issue as well, so the process of laundry involves so much more than it used to. In the end I feel as if the things I must do to live are not leaving me enough time to live. Granted, I have to sleep. I have to sleep more than a lot of people, and cutting into that would be the best way to carve out life, but it is hard to enjoy things when feeling like a cranky bitch.
I don't know what to do about this. The best I could come up with now is taking a mental health day. I am too sad and too stressed to deal with work and I need to find my patience again. There were too many times yesterday where I was ready to remind my coworkers that we are just making a stupid movie by throwing something large and breakable and pitching a fit. That is not the best way to deal with one's frustrations, really.
So, I have to work. I usually like my job, and I figured out where I can do my job without working too many hours. Now I have to relearn how to make time for living, and stop hanging out in the shadows.